Despair
by Shilo Burbans
Summary: Despair. She loved it so much, but never even thought to think why.


And just now, it occurred to her. She had just killed her sister, and her heart ached. She was the only one who Junko could talk to, the only one who understood. They had been sisters in despair, sticking together, bringing exactly what they felt, upon others.

And now she was feeling it again.

That steady worthlessness, that feeling that she's just made a mistake she couldn't repair. Broke that one being who could talk to her, about how she felt, the despair which always lurked, and come out at the best of times. That feeling, that feeling, that feeling...

Her sister knew that feeling well, she knew, and she had relished in it too.

Junko wondered if her sister knew why she loved that feeling. Why either of them loved that feeling.

That steady sinking feeling, darkening the outlook on everything.

She placed her hands on her arms, and switched Monokuma to automatic. She had stolen some programming Fujisaki had created, so Monokuma could do that. He had panicked, and cried, and searched hard for it. But it was gone, the laptop it was on destroyed, the memory hacked and read and stolen by none other than her, Junko Enoshima, the true Super Duper High School Despair.

He had despaired.

And Junko was jealous of him.

Why did he get that feeling, that sinking feeling, that steady worthlessness, that honey sweet despair that she so craved?

He didn't deserve it, he was worthless, he was a brat, he was...

She found herself going back on those words, another thing that puzzled her.

So she pondered.

This personality didn't come out much. She didn't care for it much, to fickle to let it been seen much. It was boring, too thoughtful.

It didn't despair.

But now she found herself not pushing it back, embracing the confused disappointment of these questions.

She had to settle for this now. That feeling, not quite despair, but close.

She sighed and placed her hand back on the console, but didn't press anything. She leaned back, arms stretched out, and thought.

She said she hated him, hated him so much, but she didn't.

And she couldn't figure out why.

Maybe she had grown soft, taken a liking to him.

But she ruled that out. Even thought she knew she did care for him. Cared for all of them, Ishimaru, Oogami, Naegi, Kuwata, even Ikusaba.

Even Ikusaba...

She felt that sudden pang in her heart, that jealous pang, of despair, and confusion, and happiness, and everything at once, and it confused her, and made her head dizzy, and constricted on her chest.

That despairing feeling that she had killed her sister. Her own sister...

That jealous feeling that her own sister had gotten to despair of betrayal in her last moments. Such a betrayal, could not have gone undespaired...

Her head spun and was suddenly confused again. She loved this feeling so much, loved it more than her own life, but knew something was wrong.

Something was odd, very odd and very wrong.

She was supposed to care for these people, even the smallest bit. So why...

Well, she guessed she knew why. She had taken a liking to them, but hated them too. Hated them so much, for their joy, their happiness, their... Their...

Their disgustingly brilliant hope.

She couldn't stand that hope, and wanted it to die. Wanted it to wither until all's that was left was the roots of despair.

And the best food for despair was hope. Bright shinning hope.

Undiluted...

Uncontaminated...

Untouched hope.

Of course, she was wrong. She didn't know it , but she was wrong.

She had taken a liking to these students, her classmates.

Really, to be honest, they were the closest thing she's had to a friend.

And in her twisted, despair torn mind, she worked them into her plan. To give them the most despair she could produce, other than death.

Maybe... Maybe even more than death.

And thus she plotted, worked them in, to give them despair, to give them the best thing she could think of.

The ultimate gift.

But their minds did not work like hers. They did not want despair, they did not want pain, they did not want that feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, loneliness.

But Junko did not understand. She could not comprehend hope.

She could not comprehend hope...

The word in her mouth was foreign to her, it made her uncomfortable to say, it made her uncomfortable to think of, it was just uncomfortable to her.

And that is why she did not understand.

Upon giving them what she perceived to be the best of all gifts, something she could not match with anything else, they resisted.

And that fascinated her. It hurt a little, not despairingly so, but give her a twinge of regret.

Why did they not want the despair given to them? It is the best emotion, the only thing truly worth feeling, so why do they still hope...? If they succumbed, then she might let them join her!

And that is why the experiment with the Student of Hope did not stop.

Because their perception of life was different than hers. They did not despair when their friends died.

Sure, they were mortified, and hurt, but they would rise up against her and Monokuma. They resisted the despair, tried to pull themselves out, to sow the seeds of hope amongst them.

Especially that Makoto Naegi.

He never despaired too long. He was shocked and depressed when he found Sayaka Maizono dead, but he had risen up, and investigated.

He hoped.

He did not despair.

He had hoped, and this was a mystery to Junko.

She had never hoped, she had despaired.

That was all she could feel. Everything else was trivial.

True, as she pressed on, into the experiment, she made some of them sink into despair, while others rose against her.

And the students she effected surprised her the most.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru was the most fascinating, his soul breaking after his Aniki, Mondo was executed.

Makoto himself rose against her, in vengeance for Sayaka.

She almost pulled Aoi under once, but that Makoto pulled her back to the hopeful light of the world.

Oogami was practically consumed when she killed herself, her only last bright hope was that peace was brought back.

It fascinated her, and confused her to no end. The despair they felt, the hope they felt, everything.

She pressed her hands to her temples, and concentrated. Her thoughts were all over the place, bouncing from one subject to the next. Back to her main question.

Despair.

What was so alluring about it. It was all she ever knew, all she ever felt, all she ever was.

It was her being. She dedicated herself to bringing it upon others.

In her own twisted view, of what was best.

Because it was who she was. Despair.

It was all she was. Despair.

Without it, Junko Enoshima was just another nobody.

She was despair.  
She took a deep breathe, and smiled. It made more sense now. Why she loved Despair so much.

It made her feel alive.

* * *

**I don't quite know where this one came from. I was sleep deprived and ill, and driving for 8 hours straight, and I felt like writing. A lot came for it, but this one I was especially satisfied with. I did not edit it afterward, except grammar, and punctuation and spelling and the lot. I'm not quite she where this came from, but it was probably from the deep back of mind.**

**Because out of all of the characters in Dangan Ronpa, I can sympathize with Enoshima Junko the most.**


End file.
